Dear Dad

04 Dec

The pain comes every year. Never fails. I thought time heals all wounds.  It doesn’t however fill the hole  in my heart created by your passing. 

So every now and then, I remember you. I remember how much I missed you. How much I wanted to know you more.    I remember you more today than I have in years.  And today and every December 4, I am a mess, weepy and sobby. 

Should I behave like this on the day of your passing?  Would you have liked that, or would you have preferred that I keep a poker face?  On your wake, all your kids made a pact to keep a straight face, no crying in public. I did not know whose bright idea it was but we all agreed to that, and succeeded.  Until the funeral when I let the tears loose.

Anyway, I just want to tell you how much I loved you. I love you. I cannot remember saying it to you when you were alive.  And I truly regretted that omission and will continue to regret it for the rest of my life.

I missed you a lot.


Posted by on December 4, 2009 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Dear Dad

  1. bw

    December 6, 2009 at 2:45 am

    I was fortunate enough to tell me father how much I loved him before he died – over the phone from across the ocean, and he was on his death bed at the hospital. He was in his very late eighties when he passed. We can only cherish the memories of our loved ones who passed. Hope you can find comfort in it too.

  2. zem

    December 8, 2009 at 3:12 am

    Dear ? (I don’t know your name):

    I found your post touching and poignant. I understand some of what you are feeling and that you would probably give any (and every) thing in this world to have your Dad back again, just to spend time doing nothing with him. Just to hang out. Of all the things in this world, death is the one with no “undo” button. I have learned a lot from that knowledge and hopefully tried to change some of how I interact with people going forward. I am sure you have done the same. Therefore, I think the love you have for your Dad is a force of good. If I could make a suggestion, why don’t you and your siblings work together to empower some new goodness in the world on this anniversary – perhaps through a lasting charity (education or enabling people to help themselves, or the environment) – I think Kiva is based in California (where it looks like you are) – Might be something you can work with your siblings to come together on and turn the pact into an expression of love and longing. I am sorry if this is too much personal advice.

    I see you visited my photoblog as well – (Yukon Shack) – thanks. I really like your photos – has that authentic documentary feel. Hope you visit my blog again – I will drop by here to see what’s up.

    Take Care.


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